Hello there!
Yes, it's that time of the year again: exam time. We started exams this past Monday with English and Afrikaans together. Because I'm grade 9, we write departmental exams, so they're really unpredictable and you have no idea what to learn. The teachers tell us to learn everything we've done. EVERYTHING.
We wrote maths today and it was so incredibly difficult that I started crying when I got outside. Not crying badly, but a few stray tears escaped. But, I shall not say anything more about such depressing subjects, simply because they are depressing.
My dad bought us a new TV today, and although I know he bought it with good reason and we are specially re-doing our TV-room (how it used to look, with built-in wall fixtures [or whatever you call them], couldn't accommodate a plasma). Now we have one, and it's great and pretty and huge, but I can't seen to shake the feeling that he shouldn't have done it. Maybe it's because I don't like change or maybe it's because we're spending A LOT of money now (Re-doing our one bathroom, TV room, new TV, new surround-sound, new DVD player, Christmas, holiday and even more things) that I'm just scared about our finances or maybe it's something else completely! My dad says that we did well this year (with the farming and olives), but I can't help but worry a little. I'm praying about it, though, so I'm sure it'll work out just fine.
To be brutally honest, I don't know how I feel about the boy anymore. I'm SUPER confused and my feelings change almost daily, so I have no idea what to think, feel or say. I sat with him (alone) for about 45 minutes before exams on Wednesday, and we talked and I helped him learn his Afrikaans (he doesn't learn much - but I do). I know, it's quite weird because he's older than me, but it was setwork and he was learning someone else's summary of the book they did, so I just help him to remember it. Since then I've only talked to him once and it was very brief and just after I'd finished exercising, so I looked all red and blotchy and hideous. So I don't know what to think. I don't think I like him anymore, yet I still want him. It's weird. I'm weird. Oh, well. :) But I think he thinks of us as just friends, so that SUCKS. But right now, I think I'm going to leave it in God's more than capable hands, so whatever happens, it must be His will.
Talking about Him, I've been feeling really far away from Him lately and I don't like it at all! I pray (maybe not enough, but I'm trying), I read my Bible and I trust Him to help me through everything, especially exams. I don't know what more to do. He gives me beautiful verses when I ask for them or need them, but it feels like something is missing. I prayed that I want to come closer to Him, and I worshiped earlier tonight, and I feel a little closer, but not quite where I used to be. I feel empty, almost. It's horrible, and I don't know how this happened. I guess that maybe it's because there hasn't been a praise and worship or Alpha (it's a Christian group that meets before school every Thursday, except in exam times) and I need these things to keep me alive in my faith and trust, but I don't want to rely on these outer things, because one day they'll be gone. Please pray for me, and I will for you if you want me too. Just comment. And if you have an inspiring verse or something, please feel free to comment as well. We're in this together, aren't we? :)
Anyway, I hope God fills you up with Him, the Holy Spirit and Jesus
Love Emma
